au pair · Parent · Parenting

Thursday, 23nd November 2000

The following is an excerpt from the diary I kept while working as an au pair in Bavaria in 2000/01. As I read it, it struck me that it echos the way I occasionally feel with my own children now. 

L., the child I was looking after was seven then, the age of my eldest child now. 

This evening I totally freaked out with L. All day he had been irritating me. I’m still  not sure if he was being exceptionally bad or if I was just being particularly easily annoyed. As I was putting him to bed, I broke down in tears caused partly by him, by the frustration of work and the fact that I couldn’t call up Laura. It hit me this evening how she and I used to vent our emotions at each other over a beer or a few glasses of red wine at ‘El Catalan’. I couldn’t hold in any more all the feelings that I had bottled up since she died – sadness and loss, homesickness after returning from Ireland, frustration from the au pair job and uncertainty about the future.

An old-fashioned selfie
I remember that evening so well, although it is fifteen years ago now. When I lose my temper with my own children, there is always that thought at the back of my mind – was it their behaviour or my frame of mind today that made me snap? 

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2 thoughts on “Thursday, 23nd November 2000

  1. Its weird how life often mirrors itself isn't it. I think when you are already feeling a bit down, a child pushing your buttons can push you over the edge, where normally it wouldn't affect you as much
    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes
    Debbie

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